Wake me up when it's all over.

I’ve come to believe that every funeral has its own little drama, and it’s one of the things we can’t run away from. Amidst the grief and sense of loss, funerals provide for an opportunity to get to know the family better, and in my case, the FIL’s funeral certainly provided insights about, and a chance to better understand, all the little complexities and nitty-gritty details that make up the entire story of La Femme’s extended family.

I’ve learnt, for instance, that the in-laws were a very traditional Chinese family, and since the demise of La Femme’s grandfather, her eldest uncle (TPG) took over the reins as the head of the clan (and I mean clan literally), and while his 8 brothers and 1 sister may think he’s a complete klutz at times who lack what we now call “leadership qualities”, he was obeyed on all family matters, and tolerated, by and large. It’s not even “respect” nor “admired”—just tolerated.

Being a “traditional” Chinese family meant too, that second marriages and extra-marital affairs were tolerated—even expected— which explained why TPG didn’t kick up a big fuss, contrary to my initial speculation, when the “the other woman”, FIL’s unnamed mistress, turned up with the FIL’s youngest son at the funeral. Apparently, it was the TPG’s wife who convinced the MIL to allow The Other Woman to attend the funeral even though the MIL was cool with the son being allowed to perform his filial duties for the last time at the wake, and later, at the cremation.

Still, MIL’s concession to The Other Woman’s presence didn’t mean that her own siblings would take the whole thing well—all these years, they pretended The Other Woman didn’t exist, and her turning up from day one was like an slap across the face of the MIL in public. The MIL, I could see, took it all in her stride, and apart from the silent sobs every now and then, she pretty much maintained her composure even when The Other Woman started entertaining some guests at the wake. Only once did the MIL respond directly to The Other Woman, and that was after she started making some comments about how her friends were not being served at the wake one night, after which the MIL just started at her, and without raising her voice said "shut up" in Teochew, and The Other Woman retreated.

One of La Femme’s uncles was puzzled as to why The Other Woman seemed to know so many of the FIL’s business associates and other clan members; he was even more surprised that his 5 elder brothers, the TPG included, seemed to be acquainted with her already and they were all talking like old friends when he and his 3 younger siblings only came to know about the affair AND seen their 17-year-old nephew for the first time.

Later on, it was revealed that The Other Woman had been a KTV lounge hostess patronized by the 5 uncles (including the TPG and the FIL), and that she had previously been the mistress of a family friend whose wife paid thugs to “mess her up”, and that she later found solstice in the FIL who “redeemed” her from her unglamorous “bargirl life” and she stuck with him ever since. And yes, he did bring her around, and the thing that pissed off MIL’s siblings was how the FIL’s business associates seem to think that it was The Other Woman who was his legal wife instead of the mistress who, by rights, should hide in the shadows.

Come to think of it, she was hiding in the shadows the first couple of days, but somehow decided to be more sociable and started talking to the guests. Now, depending on where you come from, you may think this is strange, but for a “traditional Chinese” family, mistresses are best kept under wraps, and never out in the open.

When all’s said and done about the FIL’s transgressions, from his infidelity to how he treats the MIL, the man’s dead. I spent the nights standing by the coffin and saying little prayers so his soul may find eternal peace. Whatever he’s done wrong, the fact remains he’s been a good father to his children, and he’s still my FIL. True, there were times I thought he was quite a clown given how he goes about doing things, but in the still of the night, standing by his body and gazing upon him, I can’t help but wonder if he had thought of me as a good son-in-law, given I’ve never really done anything much for him, and given I never had a conversation that was longer than 20 minutes with him at any one time. The most I’ve ever done is to help La Femme take care of him in his final 2 weeks as we watched his condition deteriorate, to comfort his daughter when she couldn’t bear her tears seeing her father helpless, and to talk to my MIL now and then to make her feel somewhat better.

The day of the cremation, one of La Femme’s uncles came and talk to me, and it was only then I realized that FIL does talk about me, and he’s told his brothers that he has always thought of me as another son to him, and how relieved he is to see me taking good care of La Femme. He thinks I’ve been a good “son”, and I couldn’t help feeling the tears welling up when I heard all that.

We start a new year soon, and for La Femme, her brothers and the MIL, the passing of a new year also marks a new phase adjusting to life without FIL. Believe me, it wouldn’t be easy, because for one, the FIL was a loud man and it’s hard to ignore him given how loudly he talks.

Loud, rough, not what you’d call the perfect gentleman, but a good man nonetheless, and if the number of bouquets, banners and blankets (it’s a Chinese thing) received, along with the people who came to pay their last respects right up to the day of the cremation were anything to go by, the FIL was a good man deep down.

After the cremation and after we placed his urn at the temple that housed the ancestral tablets of La Femme’s family, we went back to her mother’s place where the 2 BILs and La Femme could finally sit down for some rest after 4 days and 3 nights of frantic activity.

And guess what— on the wall of the living room where we all sat down for coffee and the MIL was holding the 2nd BIL’s baby, right there where each and everyone of us could see it, was a beautiful butterfly with yellow and white patterns on its wings (not sure which species) folding and unfolding its wings, but otherwise remaining pretty much where it is. Call it superstition, but when you consider the in-law’s flat was too high up for any butterfly to just fly in randomly, we couldn’t help but wonder if it was the FIL’s spirit there with us, telling us somehow that he’s finally found his peace.

For now, I'm just feeling so drained, and I look forward to my first night of uninterrupted sleep.

Goodbye, FIL.

The FIL passed away last night at 9.35pm.

While most people would have spent the last 24 hours in celebration, we'd spent most of Christmas Eve keeping watch over the FIL until he breathed his last and decided he's had enough. The MIL broke into sobs, La Femme kept her composure, and she certainly surprised me with her tenacity.

The rest of the night was spent running around places, as we contacted a funeral director to see to the preparations of the wake and the funeral; then there was the matter of the death certificate; the frantic phone-calling to relatives and friends informing them of the FIL's departure; La Femme spent hours comforting her mother; the 2 BILs were scurrying around-- and of course, I had my part to play in the frantic activity as well.

I don't know if this would be the right thing to say, but in my opinion, the FIL was finally rid of his pain-- something he couldn't have while he was struggling against cancer. What little relief he couldn't find in that long final 2 weeks, he finally gained some salvation, and I honestly believe the Lord in all His mercy has granted the FIL an eternal peace.

Of course, these were things I couldn't say to the MIL, nor to the BILs last night from the shock of it all. But I did tell La Femme that at least he wasn't screaming out in pain or felt major discomfort in his final moments--the FIL just sort of slipped into a deep sleep and then he stopped breathing; and he could find some consolation that at least his wife and children were in the hospital room when his breath expired.

Today had been a rather slow day as they got ready for the wake. The in-laws decided on a "simple" Buddhist ceremony, and I kinda felt bad that I couldn't really offer my respects because of my faith. But at least the MIL was understanding and didn't want to make things difficult, and the most I did was stand by the coffin and said a "Hail Mary" as I gazed at the FIL in his restful sleep.

In a while, La Femme and I would be leaving to go back to the wake and join her brothers in the night "watch". It's gonna be a long weekend ahead, and I'm sure the wake and the funeral would not be without its little dramas (started already when "the other woman" and the FIL's illegitimate son turned up at the wake today when the undertakers delivered the body along with the coffin).

Well, so much for that. I'll be glad when this whole thing is over, because quite honestly, I feel kinda drained.

All I want for X'mas...

...well, you get the idea. :D

Pay $ for a piece of mind...or thereabouts.

The FIL has been admitted into a hospital.

It's not so much so that his condition had taken a turn for the worse (then again, how bad can it get at this stage); it's more like placing him in the care of medical professionals and giving everyone a little breathing space.

It may sound ironic that while we're pissed off with the way the FIL was being treated by the doctors and nurses at Mount Elizabeth Hospital (where he was treated earlier this year for a surgery on his liver) and the National Cancer Centre (NCC), the BIL actually decided he's had enough over the past couple of weeks, and decided to admit the FIL into Mount Alvernia Hospital so he gets a peace of mind for the Christmas holiday. Also, we were hoping the medical staff at Mt. Alvernia could help the FIL get around his prolonged constipation and help with his dietary intake again-- for one, none of us were confident to give the old man an enema (the discomforting thought aside) even though the BIL and I had undergone combat medic training while we were in the military.

I think it's the psychological strain of having to take care of him that's taken its toll over the past 2 weeks since the docs broke the most recent bad news to the FIL. In ancient Greece, that doctor would have been killed for being the harbringer of doom.  Anyway, I can imagine the stress that's been burdening the BIL and his young wife and the MIL having to take care of the FIL whose condition suddenly deteriorated to an unbelieveable extent over the span of one week.

I mean, on the day of the last checkup 2 Mondays ago, La Femme and her brother had lunch with the FIL who was still joking and had a hearty appetite-- that afternoon, after hearing the "you are doomed" message, he goes home, collapses in bed, and started becoming The Incredible Shrinking Man-- if you looked at him now, he resembles one of those emancipated faces reminiscent of WWII prisoners-of-war.

Just imagine: I shuttle La Femme to and from work to her parents' place, and again over the weekend, we rotate around trying to feed the FIL, changing him, helping him to the toilet (and nothing ever comes out), tucking him in bed...and a whole lot of other minor tasks to try to make his life a little more comfortable, and despite having 3 to 4 people at any one time to take care of the FIL, we all end up feeling physically and psychologically worn out. I now appreciate that the BIL and the MIL who both live under the same roof as the dying old man would have it a lot worse-- he gets up in the middle of the night at ungodly hours, he's unable to sleep, he groans in discomfort...and on top of it, there's the BIL's one-year-old to take care of, and the little one's quite a handful to manage, I can assure you.

So I understand perfectly if the BIL decided to hoist a pennant of truce for a couple of days so he could at least have a breather and spend a little time with his wife and his baby. I feel relieved too, that the MIL could now have a little rest after all the frantic activity around the house. I feel even more relieved that finally, I could spend Christmas with my own parents without having to run off halfway because the in-laws are screaming for reinforcements.

Dad was having a little chat last night when I was in the kitchen making a late night snack for La Femme, and one of the things he asked was "So does your FIL appreciate all that you're doing? After all, he doesn't really take you seriously"

I looked at Dad, and I didn't know what to answer. True, for some reason the FIL never really took me seriously probably because he always felt I was too atas in my ways, and that I probably never thought much about the in-laws. It wasn't that I was rude or arrogant, it's just that I could never find common topics to talk about whenever we paid them a visit. Neither would I say that I am putting in a lot of effort in helping him right now: whatever little things I am doing to put him at ease, it's from memory-- things I learnt in medic school that I was hoping would help make his life a little more bearable. And it doesn't take any more effort to make fruit and vegetable juices to whet whatever's left of his appetite.

And of course, it doesn't take a lot to say a little silent prayer for the FIL.

But in a sense, in a selfish way, I am thankful to God that my own parents are healthy and fit despite their age. Dad's old-- really old-- compared to the fathers of my peers because he had me when he was 42. I am thankful that other than high blood pressure (common amongst old folk), he doesn't have any condition to worry about. Mom, being 12 years younger, is forever having a good time with her friends from the Buddhist society she goes to, and sometimes Dad would join her even though both he and I are Catholics. It's nice to see that after so many years of marriage, my parents are still a loving couple, and more importantly, in good health to enjoy each other's company.

In comparison, the MIL has to put up with years of infidelity on the part of the FIL, and then having to work long hours as a production worker at a semiconductor plant to help alleviate the debts that the FIL chalked up from lousy business deals or gambling, and then there's the issue of "the other woman" who bore him a son-- the half brother that neither La Femme nor her brothers would acknowledge-- and now this. I truly admire the MIL for she is a true pillar of strength, but even she has her down days, and she would begrudge the fact the the FIL is nothing but pain for her, yet at the end of the day, she takes it upon herself to ensure the FIL is well-taken care of, despite her disappointments and frustrations.

Well, all the sob stories aside, I'm thinking let's just go and have a merry Christmas somehow, and see how things go.

But I am still gonna file that complaint about the NCC. Soon.

Fucked.

"Fucked is what this is" is right when it comes to the FIL's condition. The man can't lie on his back, can't sit, can't walk much, can't shit..."can't" to a lot of things, and while I know we have to be patient and such, honestly, his innecessant constant rants about how much he's suffering is getting on my nerves.

There are only 2 things we can pray for, as I told La Femme: one is for the old man's suffering to be reduced to a level he can go about with normal bodily functions with ease; two, and more importantly, for him to be more accepting of his situation, and figure how best to live out his remaining days.

Way I see it, FIL's living his days for one thing and one thing only: the next dose of medicine, and quite honestly, there is none to be had other than a laxative to clear his bowels, and morphine for pain relief.

The BIL did try to contact a certain renowned specialist known for treating celebrities and a couple of cabinet ministers only to be scorned by the fella. Apparently the doc didn't even ask about the medical condition, nor did he say he would review the medical reports first, but instead focused the bulk of his consultation on about how much the treatment would cost. The BIL never felt like a bigger slap across his face when he admitted that he simply cannot afford a treatment that costs around $1,000 a pill, 3 pills daily.

In other words, it's all about the money. Forget the Hippocratic Oath, it appears the Hypcritic Oath has taken over.

A friend of mine has leukemia, and I'm sure it's equally painful for him. He's been in and out of ICUs, had chemotherapy, his weight's gone down-- but he remains optimistic nonetheless. He opted to be taken off chemo six months earlier when the docs said his condition had deteriorated and chemo could only sustain him for another 2-3 months max, and rather than to live out his remaining days just for the next chemo session, the friend decided since he was going anyway, he would rather do more meaningful things like spend more time with family and friends, and even helps out at church.

Half a year later, and the friend will be enjoying Christmas. 2-3 months indeed, and a lot of good the docs did for him eh?

Another friend who also has leukemia, a former magazine editor, is now writing a cookbook-- the man loves his food, and apparently doing well in his condition too.

I am now convinced the human mind is many times more powerful in determining if you live or die than any other drug in the market. Call it a Placebo Effect, or whatever-- the mind fails, your body fails; but if you set yourself right psychologically and have faith, then miracles become possible.

Which is why I said while I take pity on the FIL's condition, on the other hand, I can't help feeling how he had allowed his condition to deteriorate. Equally, I think the doctors have to shoulder part of the blame-- yes, you have to be honest to your patients, but it's how you word things: you're the expert, you're entrusted with the lives and well-being of your patients, and surely you should know your words have a tremendous effect on them. I'm not saying go out there and lie that things will be fine and rosy, but at least have a little more EQ?

Ultimately, regardless of the EQ levels of your doctors and therapists, it's still the individual who's in the driver's seat. I am certain that the one single reason why the cancer cells had spread so quickly in a short period of one week is largely to do with the fact that the FIL is constantly under pressure and stress. He keeps going on and on about how there's no more hope left, that life is meaningless, that even the doctors can't do anything to help him, or how unfair the gods and Fate are (he's Taoist) to him etc...in other words, he's poisoning himself, and allowing the maglinant cells to multiply and spread faster with every single negative thought.

And besides, where conventional medicine fails, what is to say we can't turn to alternative medicine? We are looking at Gerson Therapy, fucoidan, and traditional Chinese medicine (TCM) and see what we can come up with. La Femme and her brothers agree on one thing: Western medicine has indicated there is "no cure" for the FIL, but what's the worst that can happen if we tried any of the alternative remedies? At best, we're helping him clear his bowels with natural fruit and vegetable juices so as not to further tax a failed liver and failing kidney (we're not even asking for a 100% recovery-- that would be a miracle). On the downside, well, he's only got 2-4 weeks, if you listen to the "specialists", why not let the old man go with dignity and a cleaner bowel instead of having shit stuffed up inside him?

In all his wisdom, one of the BILs went to ask the regular doctor if we could try fucoidan or TCM, and he was told it is a "stupid idea" because they are "unproven". Excuse me, correct me if I am wrong, but while there is no documented claims that Eastern unorthodox medicine is superior, it does have a longer history than modern Western medicine, and aren't "Western" doctors learning from traditional remedies even in cancer research?

If you asked me, this is all fucked up, really, and fucked is what this is all about.

Nepotism

A friend sent this, and there is a little story behind it, but one that I will share at a more convenient timing especially since some names are better off left unmentioned. But you have to admit the poster is cute eh?

The FIL's cancer condition has deteriorated, and the last we heard from the doc is that he has at most another month or so. Upon the news yesterday, the entire extended family turns up at the family home, led by the eldest uncle who thinks he's Tua Pek Gong (TPG) and tries to marshall resources and gets the whole extended family (7 uncles, 1 aunt, and of course the BILs) involved in the "final preparations".

I was like, WTF, doc said 2-4 weeks, not bloody 2-4 hours-- how long does it take to prepare for a wake and a funeral anyway? You call up the undertakers, and they get everything sorted out for you inside 2 hours, but no, TPG has to make a big hoo-hah out of things and insists we give the FIL a grand send-off, especially since "we are business people". Like yeah, we are a multi-billion dollar conglomerate and we want a really big send-off. What were you thinking, a 5-day wake, teams of Taoist priests to conduct rituals, a lion dance troupe and a full brass band? I could ask some of my contacts to get a couple of calefares to wear shades and suits, and have a whole stream of vehicles following the hearse if you want-- heck, I'll even get my journalist friends to write about the funeral-- would that be grand enough? Fucking moron.

And what I can't stand is they're all talking like the man is gone and dead already-- while you're discussing the final rites, the guy's lying there on the bed in his bedroom, and despite his comatose state, I'm sure he can hear every bit of it all.

TPG gets everybody into the house, everyone spents less than 15 minutes at the bedside of the FIL, and then they spend hours discussing and debating about really trivial issues:

We need to settle homeownership issues --> hello, by default home ownership gets transferred to the surviving spouse even without a  will

We need to ensure company ownership changes hands smoothly (to one of the BILs)--> fucking hell, you just get a lawyer to do it all for you! That's what you pay them for!

The funeral must be done without any hiccups --> unnecessary worry: (1) the man's not dead yet; (2) we have professionals who can help you direct a funeral, what do you think this is, National Day Parade??

...And the same issues keep popping up and going in circles. Like, didn't we just say there's a solution to everything already?

Do us all a favour-- next time you wanna take the lead and show you're a leader, get your facts right first, and be more in touch with the context yeah?

Going green, corporate style

Now, we all know what's going on in Copenhagen right about now: diplomats, industry leaders, politicians and heads of states putting their heads together to discuss about climate change, locking horns over the Kyoto Protocol, protests by activists etc... they're having a bit of a climate Woodstock, if you like, and suddenly we're all concerned about the weather, and what we can do to prevent snow from falling over Singapore skies, or a tsunami hitting Madagascar, or the Artic suddenly having lush tropical forests in place of ice-shelves and glaciers.

Here's a thought: what if corporations, particularly those in non-manufacturing industries, could make do with smaller corporate headquarters with skeletal support staff like HR, Finance and Procurement working 9-to-5 hours, and everyone else is on flexible work arrangements that allows them to work from home offices, or even at the local Starbucks? I get the feeling we cut down on electricity consumption and carbon emissions that way, with less cars during peak hours getting into the city and smaller offices that consume power for shorter periods, and everyone else works using collaborative electronic tools and reduce the use of paper?

I mean, take a drive down to any city, and I'm sure you'd find offices of financial institutions, trading houses, consulting agencies etc operating into the wee hours of the morning-- offices that take up an entire floor of a building with lights and air-conditioning turned on 24/7 when really there're only a couple of staff around really working.

Now, just because you work from the sanctity of a home office doesn't mean you are not connected enough to provide round-the-clock service to your clients-- we have an entire arsenal of technologies and software that can take care of all these pretty well, and there are technologies even, that allows the anal manager to keep an eye on their staff to ensure they were working from home instead of churning out amateur video footages to post on Facebook or MySpace...

There are companies who have tried out and successfully implemented work-from-home and other such "flexi" work arrangements for pockets of staff in their respective organisations. Question is, why can't we implement such arrangements at a corporate-wide basis and eliminate the need for large non-manufacturing corporate facilities and offices that consume tremendous amounts of electricity just to ensure they're running, and thereby reducing the carbon footprints of these companies?

Which is more important, really: the pursuit of financial gain and profit, or truly doing things that save the environment?